Of Love and Thyself

"Love is a phenomenon of abundance, its premise is the strength of the individual who can give. Love is affirmation, it seeketh to create what is loved. To love another person is only a virtue if it springs from this inner strength, but it is detestable if it is the expression the basic inability to be oneself."

- Nietzsche

The two great commandments proclaimed by Christ as found in the book of Matthew in the New Testament was never a new commandment. Early Israelites were commanded to “love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy might” (Deuteronomy 6:5) as well as to “love thy neighbour as thyself” (Leviticus 19:18). Religious or not, most agree that to “love thy neighbour as thyself” is a good principle to live by.

For me, the first commandment is clear as day; the second, less so. It is this second great commandment that has been on my mind for probably the past decade or more while I studied the New Testament in Seminary and Institute. It has also been on my mind of late with thoughts that I will now attempt to crystalise. This directive, the second great commandment, I believe, has implications for public policy in addition to impacting our perception and handling of mental health.

It is, perhaps easy to gather what loving one’s neighbour might look like. It is to “mourn with those who mourn...and comfort those that stand in need of comfort” (Mosiah 18:8). It is to have charity and to pray for charity (Moroni 7:48). It is remembering that "all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them" (Matthew 7:12). This Golden Rule, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, is not only found in Christianity but also in Hinduism, Taoism, Islam, Judaism and Zoroastrianism, just to name a few. Note that the rule isn’t “do NOT unto others as you would have them do NOT unto you”, a major deviation from what the law actually is and a difference that warrants pondering.

However, the phrasing of the second commandment is precise: love thy neighbour as thyself. The actions in the above paragraph focus on the first half of the commandment while ignoring the second, and in fact so too the general conversation on loving your neighbour. Even then, the paragraph prior focusses on actions while the commandment calls for more: love. Thus, our understanding of the law falls short still.

If the ultimate objective of the second great commandment was just to direct people to do good to others, or to act good, the later part of the law is redundant and the word love need not be used. No, love is central. So too are the last two words crucial in understanding what is expected of us. We are to love our neighbour as ourselves. Put another way, loving ourselves is the prerequisite and foundational element of the second commandment. Without loving ourselves, we are unable to fulfil the law as expressed. The idea of “self-love”, however, is controversial and taboo.

Is self-love wrong?

Self-love is a necessity as expressed in the second great commandment. It is necessary in order to "develop and maintain a clear understanding of who we are...and that our true worth is determined by our relationship with deity”. It is not shameful, it is not self-centred, it is not wrong. Erich Fromm, a psychologist and German Jew who fled the Nazi regime and settled in the US, writes that the phrase 'don't be selfish’ has become a societal norm taught since young. As taught by teachers and parents, ‘don’t be selfish’ comes with it the idea to not be egotistical, inconsiderate, and without concern for others. Fromm highlights that the true message in reality goes deeper. To not be selfish, as taught by society, connotes to not do what one wishes, to forsake one’s own path for the will of those in authority (e.g. parents, bosses, or people of influence in society). For psychologists, sociologists and philosophers, to "not be selfish" as commonly taught is seen as potentially "one of the most powerful ideological weapons in suppressing spontaneity and the free development of personality [where] under the pressure of this slogan one is asked for every sacrifice and for complete submission”.

Society then clusters self-love with selfishness; the two are in reality opposites. Selfishness (as it really is) is closely related to greed. It is unquenchable. Satisfaction is near impossible to achieve. Selfishness is driven by envy and fear. It can manifest in overconcern and overprotectiveness. The root of these is a very lack of self-love or security for oneself. Selfishness, or other similar tendencies, therefore isn’t a manifestation of love with or of themselves but rather acts as an overcompensation for the lack thereof.

Fromm and other psychologists and philosophers have much to say on self-love, selfishness and sacrifice. But in this, a crucial question arises. If the objective of self-love is to find and develop oneself, should we seek an external understanding of who we are and if yes, from what source? In general, two principles guide my actions: 1) Strive to seek out information and people that challenge my opinion and perspective. 2) Never offer advice or correction unless absolutely necessary but encourage self-discovery.

The second principle, I know, has at times been frustrating for those I work with. For the first, I am blessed with friends who always call things as they are. I seek them out not for validation but for contradiction as I know fully that they will correct and rebuke me when needed, allowing me to find my best self. Importantly, however, these are individuals whom I respect and trust with my life. It is crucial to seek and welcome contrary opinions. As important is to be selective in whom you seek it from as well as selective in the opinions you absorb. For me, a turn to deity is therefore also one of the best way to truly find, develop and maintain oneself.

Self-love and Self-care

Tangential to self-love is self-care. As needful as self-love is self-care. Medical journals highlight how having and executing a self-care plan is needed to better care for others. There are many ways to practice self-care with the TED website containing a great depository of ideas. The dilemma comes when one is guilted into thinking that self-love and self-care are selfish. As a Christian, the life of Christ plays a significant role in guiding my actions. Here are some examples from His life that speak to this point:

Matthew 14:1-13 - After Christ learned that John the Baptists, his cousin, had been beheaded, Christ to work through grief went not to be with his family or friends but sought to be away by Himself.

Luke 22:39-44 - In the hours proceeding His arrest, Christ went to the Mount of Olives but separated himself from His disciples, needing to be alone to process the emotional and physical distress, and went a short distance to pray.

Mark 6:30-32 - When Christ’s 12 apostles had temporarily returned from the ministry he sent them on, Christ instructed them to make time to be alone from the people and their call to have “leisure”.

These examples presented are not exhaustive of what it means to self-care. My hope, however, is that self-care becomes increasingly normalised and recognised as important. For the student who juggles school and work, for the individual or parent who juggles family and work, for any stretched individual who manages competing priorities and feels like nothing is ever enough. In a world of finite resources and infinite needs (as expressed in the most basic economic theories), make time and space for yourself. Even One who could do all and bear all chose to practice and encourage self-care. For him, and for us, practicing self-care and choosing self-love is not the path of least resistance but rather the harder right. Without first loving and caring for ourselves, we are unable to fulfil the second great law.

Digging Deeper

Crucially, there then is a misconception that to “love thy neighbour” is to excuse wrong. Processing healthy critiques is what enables growth. If we personally welcome criticism and not excuse it in ourselves, then loving our neighbour but as ourselves necessitates that we, when carefully determined, not stay silent in the face of wrong and allow others the same opportunity for growth. Additionally, there is an idea that to show love is to tolerate and, if you will, tough it out. That to love is to silently remain in a painful situation. Modern apostles and healthcare professionals have spoken against this.

Another misconception is that to “love thy neighbour as thyself” or to love in general is to withhold correction or to only correct downward on the hierarchy chain. Such a sentiment was expressed when Abinadi was questioned by King Noah’s priests quoting Isaiah “how beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings; that publisheth peace; that bringeth good tidings of good” on the insistence that one who is Christ-like should not offer correction, and to a King at that.

“Better is open rebuke than love that is concealed” - Proverbs 27:5

"Rebuke a wise man and he will love you." - Proverbs 9:8

Receiving, or for that matter giving, correction is never easy but necessary. A dear friend, Bryant Jensen, for whom I have the deepest respect shared this quote with me awhile back:

"The meek speak up...without speaking down" - Neil A. Maxwell

This quote stemmed from Maxwell's belief that meekness requires boldness and the observation that there were key moments when Jesus chose to both "to speak out or...be silent". In trying to live the second great commandment, this principle focussing on the when and how is one I strive to follow. I must admit that there have been numerous times when I have stayed silent when I should have spoken up and also times that I have spoken out when I should have been silent.

Beyond the Self

How does the idea of loving your neighbour but as yourself apply to public policy? Interestingly, for better or worse, the idea of self-love or to act in self-interest has propagated rational choice theories including economic models of capitalism that while not perfect has resulted in several significant benefits.

Concerning politics, however, things get interesting. For me, the idea to love your neighbour as thyself is hugely significant for example, in any conversation about immigration policy. There are many arguments for restricting immigration. These encompass racial concerns, political narratives, and economic rationales that might be valid with the three not mutually exclusive. Singapore, for example, instituted controls on foreign manual labour born out of concerns it lacked the resources to support a rapidly growing foreign workforce, but also to quell a certain level of dissatisfaction among its citizens. Certain Singaporean diplomats have then drawn on this example of what they see as a success to provide a suggestion to solving refugee crises faced in the West. Specifically, they have spoken in favour of borders closed to refugees (different from asylum seekers) as a justified means to manage resources and citizen satisfaction. And maybe they are right even if I disagree.

The questions to ask, whether it be on immigration policy or something entirely different, are then three-fold: 1) how do you love/value yourself as a nation and people? 2) How do you want to be treated? 3) Does your action toward others correspond to the answers to questions 1 and 2?

The answers to these questions will be complicated. Indeed, questions 1 and 2 might be easier but the dissonance is likely to come at the answer to question 3.

And so, assuming that it is justified to close our borders to refugees as a means to manage resources and citizen satisfaction, the principle to “love thy neighbour as thyself” or to do unto others as you would have them do unto you means that should we find ourselves in a position as a refugee, the right or desired action we would like others to take toward us is for them to close their borders. The same logic can then be applied to other policy questions such as healthcare, education, etc.

And so for me, the key to both personal and political choices is to begin with an examination of "thyself". This I believe from both a religious and pragmatic perspective.